Your manager sends you a calendar invite. “Quick chat, nothing to worry about.” Except your stomach drops because you know exactly what this is about. You’ve been struggling lately, trying to hold it together, and apparently it’s showing more than you thought.
That moment when someone at work notices you’re not doing well can feel exposing and uncomfortable. Maybe you’re relieved someone finally sees it. Maybe you’re mortified that your carefully maintained professional mask has slipped. Probably you’re feeling a confusing mix of both, along with a hefty dose of anxiety about what comes next.
Here’s what I want you to know: this conversation doesn’t have to be as terrifying as it feels right now. Yes, it’s vulnerable. Yes, it might be awkward. But if your manager is approaching this correctly, it’s an opportunity to get support rather than a prelude to trouble. Let me walk you through what to expect and how to navigate it.
Why Your Manager Might Be Reaching Out
Managers who’ve had proper training know what to look for. They notice patterns, changes in how you’re showing up at work. Maybe you’ve been unusually quiet in meetings when you’re normally engaged. Perhaps you’ve called in sick more frequently, or your work quality has shifted. You might seem more irritable, withdrawn, or overwhelmed than usual.
These aren’t gotcha moments. Good managers aren’t keeping score to use against you. They’re watching because they’re supposed to care about their team’s wellbeing. When organisations invest in mental health training, and we’ve attended workplace mental health seminars by Siren Training ourselves, they’re teaching leaders to spot these signs early so they can offer support before things get worse.
There’s a difference between surveillance and genuine concern. Your manager isn’t monitoring your every move looking for weakness. They’re noticing significant changes because they see you regularly and they have a responsibility to check in when something seems off.
That said, you still have rights here. Your manager’s concern doesn’t automatically entitle them to your full medical history or the intimate details of what you’re going through. The conversation is meant to open a door to support, not pry open your privacy.
Your Rights and Boundaries
Let’s be really clear about this: you get to decide how much you share. Full stop.
You might feel pressure to explain everything, to justify why you’ve been struggling, to prove your difficulties are legitimate. You don’t need to do any of that. The purpose of this conversation is to identify whether you need workplace adjustments or support, not to provide a complete psychiatric assessment.
There’s a meaningful difference between disclosure and oversharing. Disclosure might sound like “I’m dealing with some health issues at the moment and I’m working with my GP on it.” Oversharing would be detailing every symptom, every medication, every difficult thought you’ve had. The former gives your manager enough context to help. The latter gives far more information than they need and potentially more than you’ll be comfortable with them knowing later.
Think about what information is actually necessary for your workplace to support you versus what feels like you should share because you’re in a vulnerable moment. Your manager needs to know if you require adjustments to your workload, flexible hours, or time off. They don’t need to know the specific diagnosis, the traumatic event that triggered your current state, or the details of your therapy sessions.
Privacy protections exist, but they have limits. Your manager should keep your conversation confidential within appropriate bounds. However, there are circumstances where information might need to be shared. If you disclose risk to yourself or others, they may have a duty of care that requires involving other people. If formal accommodations are needed, HR might become involved. These aren’t betrayals, they’re part of how workplace support systems function.
You can also ask for time to think before responding to questions. If your manager asks something you’re not prepared to answer, it’s completely acceptable to say “I’d like to think about that and come back to you” or “I’m not ready to discuss that aspect yet.” A good manager will respect that boundary.
It’s equally OK to say “I’m managing it privately” without providing details. You can acknowledge you’ve been having a difficult time whilst maintaining that you have support in place and you’re working through it. You get to draw the line where you’re comfortable.
Preparing for the Conversation
If you have advance notice of this conversation, use that time wisely. It’s much easier to navigate these discussions when you’ve had a chance to think through what you want and need.
Start by reflecting on what support would actually help. Be specific. “I need support” is too vague for your manager to action. But “I need to shift my start time an hour later for the next month” or “I need my workload reduced by taking the Johnson project off my plate” or “I need to work from home three days a week” gives them something concrete to work with.
Decide your comfort level with disclosure before you’re sitting in the meeting feeling put on the spot. Where’s your line? What are you willing to share, and what stays private? Having this sorted in your own mind makes it much easier to maintain those boundaries when you’re actually in the conversation.
Consider whether you want or need a support person present. Depending on your workplace policies and the nature of the conversation, you might be able to bring a colleague, union representative, or HR person. This isn’t about being combative. Sometimes having another person there helps you feel more grounded and ensures there’s a witness to what’s discussed and agreed.
If you’re worried about getting flustered or forgetting important points, write them down. Bring notes. There’s nothing unprofessional about having a piece of paper in front of you with the key things you want to communicate. In fact, it demonstrates you’re taking the conversation seriously and you’ve thought about what you need.
Understand the difference between a manager check-in and an HR conversation. Your manager should be approaching this as a supportive discussion. HR conversations tend to be more formal and may involve documentation and official processes. Know which type of meeting you’re walking into.
And here’s something people don’t say enough: you can pause or reschedule if you’re not ready. If the meeting is sprung on you when you’re having a particularly difficult day, you can say “I appreciate you reaching out, but I’m not in a good headspace for this conversation right now. Can we schedule it for tomorrow afternoon instead?” That’s not avoidance. That’s self-awareness.
During the Conversation
A supportive conversation should feel collaborative, not interrogative. Your manager should create a private, comfortable space and approach the discussion with empathy and patience. They should be asking open questions, listening more than talking, and responding to what you share without judgement.
Red flags include dismissiveness (“we all have bad days”), minimising (“but you seem fine to me”), pressuring you to share more than you’re comfortable with, frustration at your situation, or making it about how your struggles inconvenience them. If the conversation takes any of these turns, that’s a problem with your manager’s approach, not with you.
You might be asked questions like “I’ve noticed some changes recently, how are you doing?” or “Is there anything going on that I should know about?” or “What support would help you right now?” These are reasonable questions designed to open dialogue.
You can answer authentically without oversharing. Phrases that help include “I’m going through something personal at the moment”, “I’m dealing with some health issues and working with my doctor”, “I need some temporary adjustments to help me manage”, or “I’m working with a professional and we’re addressing it.”
Talk about reasonable adjustments if you need them. This might include temporary changes to your hours, working from home, reducing your workload, modified duties, or additional breaks. Be as specific as you can about what would genuinely help.
Take notes during the meeting. Write down what’s discussed and what’s agreed. This isn’t about distrust, it’s about ensuring you both remember the same things and have a record of commitments made.
Ask for follow-up in writing. A simple email summarising the conversation and agreed actions protects both of you and ensures clarity. It might feel formal, but it’s actually helpful for everyone involved.
If the conversation goes badly, if your manager responds poorly or makes you feel worse, you can end the meeting. You can say “I don’t think this conversation is productive right now, I’d like to involve HR” or “I need to stop here, I’ll follow up in writing.” You’re not obligated to sit through a harmful discussion.
What Good Support Looks Like
After your conversation, good support has practical components. Your manager should signpost you to available resources. This might include employee assistance programmes, occupational health services, HR policies about sick leave or flexible working, or external support organisations.
Concrete adjustments matter more than empty reassurances. “Let me know if you need anything” sounds nice but doesn’t actually help. “I’ve moved the project deadline back two weeks and reassigned the client presentation to Sarah” is real support. Look for managers who follow through with tangible changes, not those who offer vague sympathy without action.
Regular check-ins help, but they need to be boundaried. A weekly brief conversation about how you’re managing and whether the adjustments are working is supportive. Daily questioning about your mental state is intrusive. The balance matters.
Confidentiality should be maintained appropriately. Your manager shouldn’t be discussing your situation with the wider team unless you’ve explicitly agreed to that. If adjustments need explaining, they should be framed generically (“Sarah is dealing with some temporary health issues”) rather than sharing specifics.
Good managers work to normalise mental health conversations across their team. When leadership treats wellbeing as a normal part of work rather than something shameful, it changes the entire culture. They might share information about mental health resources in team meetings, check in on workload regularly with everyone, or talk openly about the importance of work-life balance.
Sometimes your manager will need to involve others. If you need formal accommodations, occupational health or HR might need to be brought in. If you’re taking extended leave, certain processes have to be followed. This isn’t your manager betraying your confidence, it’s them accessing the right support structures for you.
Examples of helpful responses include “thank you for telling me, let’s figure out how to support you”, “what adjustments would make the biggest difference right now?”, or “I’ll arrange a referral to occupational health who can help us put proper support in place.” Unhelpful responses sound like “everyone’s stressed, you need to push through”, “I can’t make exceptions for you”, or “have you tried yoga?”
When the Support Isn’t There
Sometimes, despite your best efforts and the conversation going as well as it could, the support you need doesn’t materialise. Sometimes your manager responds poorly. Sometimes promises are made and not kept. Sometimes the organisational culture makes it impossible for real help to happen.
If you’re experiencing inadequate or actively harmful responses, you have options. You can escalate to HR, explaining what support you requested and why the current response isn’t working. If you’re in a union, your rep can advocate for you. You might need to access occupational health services directly if your manager isn’t facilitating that referral.
Document everything. Keep copies of emails, notes from meetings, records of requests you’ve made and responses you’ve received. If you end up needing to make a formal complaint or if your situation affects your employment, documentation becomes crucial.
Know your legal protections. In many jurisdictions, mental health conditions can be covered under disability discrimination laws if they’re long-term and substantially affect your daily activities. Your employer may have legal obligations to make reasonable adjustments. Understanding your rights helps you advocate for yourself.
There are external resources beyond your workplace too. Mental health charities, employment law advice services, and professional bodies can all provide guidance. Your GP can write recommendations for workplace adjustments. You don’t have to navigate this entirely within your organisation’s systems.
Sometimes, despite everything, you might realise the workplace isn’t capable of providing what you need. That’s a difficult realisation, but it’s important to acknowledge when somewhere isn’t good for your wellbeing. Protecting your mental health might mean looking for opportunities elsewhere, even though that’s not the outcome anyone hopes for.
Moving Forward
The initial conversation is a starting point, not a solution. Your needs might change, the adjustments might need tweaking, and your recovery or management of your mental health will have ups and downs. That’s normal.
Keep communication open with your manager. If something isn’t working, say so. If you need additional support, ask. If you’re doing better and some adjustments are no longer necessary, that’s worth mentioning too. This is an ongoing dialogue, not a single fixed agreement.
Be patient with the process of adjusting support as your needs change. What helps this week might not be what you need next month. Flexibility in both directions matters.
Things won’t be fixed immediately. Mental health recovery isn’t linear, and workplace adjustments take time to implement and assess. Give yourself permission for this to be gradual rather than expecting instant resolution.
Building trust with your manager after this kind of vulnerability takes time too. You’ve shared something significant, and it might feel exposing for a while. That’s OK. With consistent, respectful follow-through from them, the awkwardness will ease.
Remember that your wellbeing genuinely matters more than professional awkwardness. The temporary discomfort of having this conversation is worth it if it leads to support that helps you function better and feel less overwhelmed.
You Deserve Support
If your manager has noticed you’re struggling and reached out, try to see it as the system working rather than failing. In workplaces where mental health matters, where leaders have been trained to recognise when their team needs help, these conversations happen. They should happen.
You deserve support, not judgement. You deserve adjustments that help you manage your work whilst dealing with whatever you’re facing. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, even when you’re not at your best.
Many people navigate these conversations successfully. They get the flexibility they need, they find their manager more understanding than they feared, and they manage to stay in work whilst prioritising their health. It’s possible, even when it feels daunting.
Asking for help isn’t weakness. Acknowledging you’re struggling and working to address it takes courage. The fact that you’re still showing up, still trying, still pushing through despite everything, that matters.
Your mental health is worth protecting, worth fighting for, worth the discomfort of difficult conversations. You’re worth the accommodations, the understanding, the support. Don’t let anyone, including yourself, convince you otherwise.
This conversation might be uncomfortable, but you can do uncomfortable things. You’ve already done harder things than this. And on the other side of it, there’s the possibility of real support, genuine understanding, and a workplace that actually helps rather than hinders your wellbeing.
You’ve got this.
